Here we are, a new year. I really thought it would be better by now. My mom might have won her case, so I am thrilled for her, but I'm still in the same hole I was in before, and it's lonelier than ever...
All my roomates seem to be leaving the same month, bills are going to be rough for me to get together on my own, but I guess I have to look at it this way, I can just not use the heat and save a little there, and not use the lights so I can run my computer. I used up everything I had saved trying to pay mom's bills the last few months, I feel so worthless not being able to pay them all with ease. My degree has really just become a worthless sheet of paper.
I really miss dad... I wanted to one day have a family of my own... It was the most important thing there was for me, but as each day passes, I feel more and more like I'll always be alone. Everyone already has someone, and no one would want to deal with someone like me anyway. Too many problems trusting people, too clingy once I do trust them, and too devastated once I lose them... And that doesn't even include medical issues... Sometimes, I just wish I had a shoulder to cry on.
I'm not sure if I have friends anymore. I always thought I had many, which is why this is so odd for me to type, but sadly, it seems I'm nothing else besides what I can give. If I have a cookie, I'll make a friend, who in turn asks for half, of which I am more than willing to give. They're a friend, right? Then another friend comes along, seeing as I have given the other a half of a cookie, they ask for one as well. Not thinking anything of it, I give that friend the other half. I may not have a cookie anymore, but I have friends, right? But when I go to talk to one of those friends, they're gone. Well, that is, they're gone until I have something else to give.
All I want in exchange for what I give, is friendship, someone to talk to when I have something to say, someone to share things with when I have things, and a shoulder to cry on when I lose them... But when I lost my dad, who meant everything to me, no one was there. When I break down from neuralgia, instead of being there for me, they instead ignore me, when I sit alone and think how easy it would be to just take a few too many percocets... I know, and it hurts, that no one would even find what was left of me. It's such a powerful hurt that it belittles the neuralgia to the point that you would think it were just a simple bug bite...
I wish I could just be happy like normal people. I see them smiling and enjoying their days all the time... Why can't I be like them? Why can't my sketchbook be filled with lovely happy art? Why is it always filled with despair? I miss having someone who loved me... Why did I let him die?... Would I be able to see him again one last time if I died too? Would I get one last hug?
Okay, coming back to this, had to walk away for a minute..
I don't know if the people living with me really think of me as a friend or not. So when they leave, I guess I won't bother them anymore. They really don't want my company anyway, since they keep to themselves and hang out without me. I'm not mad about it either, a little hurt, but I'm just a sad person like that.
I once caught sight of a conversation my roomate was having with someone else I know, and they did nothing but compare me to a sad shelter dog that no one ever comes to pick up. Happy and excited to see new people, but sad and sulking when they leave with the dog in the pen next to it instead. At first, I thought about confronting them about it... but soon I realized they were probably right. No matter how much I force everything to be fun and enjoyable for everyone, the party is over once they're bored with it. Now, however, things have been so bad, that I can't pull off what I used to, throw parties, or buy gifts... And of course, they don't come around. You'd think I should have learned by now, right?
Anyway, my medical report is pretty bad. I have a tumor on my left ovary that hurts really bad, terrible panic disorder, anxiety, trigeminal neuralgia, spondulolythesis of the 5th lumbar (from when I was hit by a car, worsened when I fell on a jump) and slippage of the cartilage in my knees (from horseback riding )
The medication for these problems makes me feel like there's no use in pushing on... The tegretol hurts, giving me a perpetual headache, terrible dizziness, and every muscle shake on its own, it makes me so tired, I sometimes can't tell when I'm awake or asleep. The zoloft adds to this, and mixed, I feel ill 24/7. The Valium calms the panic and anxiety, which has been non stop since I lost dad, but it makes everything blurry. The Percocets help to ease the pain from the Neuralgia attacks, but I know that if I can't reduce my stress, they'll never ease up. God I just wish I could have a hug from someone who really cared.
It hurts to be on food stamps... I hate when people look at me like I'm some bum for having an ebt card... I wish I could just work like a normal human, lift things, have someone in my life I can share things with, not be sick all the time, and over all, just be happy. But then... I remember that I have to be realistic, and from there, I watch my dreams shatter as if they were made of some thin, weak glass.
I know no one is really here to read this or care, but in the end, I think just crying about it here is better than keeping in inside anymore. Maybe if I do this more often, the things currently on my mind won't become a reality, because god knows, you go straight to hell when you do that.