A day Merrick was truly needed

Had to go most of the day without getting access to the net. It's so hard to leach signal here. Anyway, I was really bad and did some art for myself. It made me happy to just doodle for the sake of doodling.

A pic of Merrick, a special little guy to me. I guess I could say he embodies everything I wish I had. He's really sweet, yet protective; he'll never leave my side; no matter what happened, he will never leave me. He may not really exist, but as long as I can draw him, he does in a way.

He can't fly, though he can gain a bit of a glide if necessary. He's mostly aquatic in nature, his coloring reflects this lifestyle. His scales are so fine that he is soft to the touch, most like a leopard gecko ♥

*hugz* merrick, today has been a very rough day...
  • Current Mood
    distressed distressed

At least it's snowing...

Still stuck in TN due to snow and ice storms... Normally, I would find this great, since I have a true love for snow, but it's tainted by my relationship with mom...


Mom is all I have left really, and I love her to death, everything I do is for her, but she would never know or really believe that, and it's painful.


Since we lost dad, her drinking and smoking has gotten out of control, so much that I think she hates me, or maybe blames me for the loss of dad. Of course, I feel the same way, so that's not really the problem, the problem is how angry she is that I'm not pulling in enough money.


I take every cent I earn and put it towards her house and utilities, but I'm just not making enough to support the whine and cigarettes. I don't smoke or drink, personally, so until the last two years, I had no idea how much it would cost. It's just too much...


Today, I pushed really hard to make enough to turn her phones back on. I almost missed the bill by three dollars. But when I got back from payng it, she needed me to pick up a pack of cigarettes... This posed a huge problem, since I have absolutely no money, just food stamps. I tried to tell her it would be a day or two before I could try to get a pack for her, but she really blew up at me. The swearing and anger are hard enough, but she started in with the "you don't love me" stuff again, and it just broke my heart...


I feel like I don't know her anymore... Who is this person who hates me for such little things? Who is this person who cares not if she has electricity or a working phone so long as they have a dark corner filled with alchohol and cigarettes? But that's not entirely true, since she easily and quickly forgets about this and goes back to normal once she has what she wants. Then if the phone goes out, or the heat won't turn on, she immediately looks to me as if I'm holding her hostage. "How could you do this to me, krys?" "Are you conspiring against me?" "do you even care about me?" "You know I would die for you, so why are you doing this to me?? Why, Krys?"  Statements like this tear me apart...


I would never do anything like that to her, I would never do ANYTHING that would upset her, ever! I would die at her single command, and yet she still looks at me with eyes that don't trust, with an expression of great disappointment and hurt... It kills me, slowly, and painfully...


With what little I have. I make sure her bills are paid before I put money into my own. I never use my tennant's payments towards her bills, but that's only because I have to be sure they have utilities too... I wish she could understand, or be understanding. I love her so much, but she looks at me as if I'm some horrible stranger...


I'm so thankful she probably won her case, it means a lot more happiness for her. But I fear that once she has what she needs, she will no longer need me in her life, and that's a day I know I won't be able to make it through.


At least.. it's starting to snow again...

  • Current Music
    the sound of a snowflake

So, after hitting rock bottom, it seems you can still sink lower


Here we are, a new year. I really thought it would be better by now. My mom might have won her case, so I am thrilled for her, but I'm still in the same hole I was in before, and it's lonelier than ever...

All my roomates seem to be leaving the same month, bills are going to be rough for me to get together on my own, but I guess I have to look at it this way, I can just not use the heat and save a little there, and not use the lights so I can run my computer.  I used up everything I had saved trying to pay mom's bills the last few months, I feel so worthless not being able to pay them all with ease. My degree has really just become a worthless sheet of paper.

I really miss dad... I wanted to one day have a family of my own... It was the most important thing there was for me, but as each day passes, I feel more and more like I'll always be alone. Everyone already has someone, and no one would want to deal with someone like me anyway. Too many problems trusting people, too clingy once I do trust them, and too devastated once I lose them... And that doesn't even include medical issues... Sometimes, I just wish I had a shoulder to cry on.

I'm not sure if I have friends anymore. I always thought I had many, which is why this is so odd for me to type, but sadly, it seems I'm nothing else besides what I can give. If I have a cookie, I'll make a friend, who in turn asks for half, of which I am more than willing to give. They're a friend, right? Then another friend comes along, seeing as I have given the other a half of a cookie, they ask for one as well. Not thinking anything of it, I give that friend the other half. I may not have a cookie anymore, but I have friends, right? But when I go to talk to one of those friends, they're gone. Well, that is, they're gone until I have something else to give.

All I want in exchange for what I give, is friendship, someone to talk to when I have something to say, someone to share things with when I have things, and a shoulder to cry on when I lose them... But when I lost my dad, who meant everything to me, no one was there. When I break down from neuralgia, instead of being there for me, they instead ignore me, when I sit alone and think how easy it would be to just take a few too many percocets... I know, and it hurts, that no one would even find what was left of me. It's such a powerful hurt that it belittles the neuralgia to the point that you would think it were just a simple bug bite...

I wish I could just be happy like normal people. I see them smiling and enjoying their days all the time... Why can't I be like them? Why can't my sketchbook be filled with lovely happy art? Why is it always filled with despair? I miss having someone who loved me... Why did I let him die?... Would I be able to see him again one last time if I died too? Would I get one last hug?

Okay, coming back to this, had to walk away for a minute..

I don't know if the people living with me really think of me as a friend or not. So when they leave, I guess I won't bother them anymore. They really don't want my company anyway, since they keep to themselves and hang out without me. I'm not mad about it either, a little hurt, but I'm just a sad person like that.

I once caught sight of a conversation my roomate was having with someone else I know, and they did nothing but compare me to a sad shelter dog that no one ever comes to pick up. Happy and excited to see new people, but sad and sulking when they leave with the dog in the pen next to it instead. At first, I thought about confronting them about it... but soon I realized they were probably right. No matter how much I force everything to be fun and enjoyable for everyone, the party is over once they're bored with it. Now, however, things have been so bad, that I can't pull off what I used to, throw parties, or buy gifts... And of course, they don't come around. You'd think I should have learned by now, right?

Anyway, my medical report is pretty bad. I have a tumor on my left ovary that hurts really bad, terrible panic disorder, anxiety, trigeminal neuralgia, spondulolythesis of the 5th lumbar (from when I was hit by a car, worsened when I fell on a jump) and slippage of the cartilage in my knees (from horseback riding )

The medication for these problems makes me feel like there's no use in pushing on... The tegretol hurts, giving me a perpetual headache, terrible dizziness, and every muscle shake on its own, it makes me so tired, I sometimes can't tell when I'm awake or asleep. The zoloft adds to this, and mixed, I feel ill 24/7. The Valium calms the panic and anxiety, which has been non stop since I lost dad, but it makes everything blurry. The Percocets help to ease the pain from the Neuralgia attacks, but I know that if I can't reduce my stress, they'll never ease up. God I just wish I could have a hug from someone who really cared.

It hurts to be on food stamps... I hate when people look at me like I'm some bum for having an ebt card... I wish I could just work like a normal human, lift things, have someone in my life I can share things with, not be sick all the time, and over all, just be happy. But then... I remember that I have to be realistic, and from there, I watch my dreams shatter as if they were made of some thin, weak glass.

I know no one is really here to read this or care, but in the end, I think just crying about it here is better than keeping in inside anymore. Maybe if I do this more often, the things currently on my mind won't become a reality, because god knows, you go straight to hell when you do that.
  • Current Mood
    rejected rejected
  • Tags
Hey Shay

The first Finished fursuit <3

I learned alot by my mistakes on this one, so the next one should be a lot better, but I'm happy to finally have a picture of it up completed. <33

Feel free to crit, all of it will be used in making the next one better <3
  • Current Mood
    accomplished accomplished

Zomg ;; happy

I sold my first fursuit head <33 and it wasn't for the original $85.00 It sold for $350.00 ;; OMG I'm so happy <33

This means I can finally finish my contest on DA <33 I was so upset that I lost all my money during the rough times recently... So it's good to know I can finally pay up those prizes!! Thank god...

I'm just happy for these silly reasons.
  • Current Mood
    artistic artistic
Hey Shay

Soo Badge commissions

Still have two slots open for pick up at FWA. If interested, contact me by posting here. <33
$15 USD

Completed Badge for Sylvari <3

In other news, thank god!!!
My father was told that the Cancer has now shrunk to 50% its original size!! with any luck, things will get better too. Unfortunately they found blood clots... but they said after 5 days of 5 shot treatments, and a blood thinner, he should be ok. I'm praying ;;
  • Current Mood
    artistic artistic
Hey Shay

My first Furbid auction

sooo, I finally have a head up for auction, go me, lol. http://www.furbid.ws/cgi-bin/auction/item.pl?item=232349822

I'm afraid I may not get a bid, but it's worth a try. Hopefully it will get one. It was a lot of fun to make, and I'll have some WIP shots of the next one soon. but for now, here's a look at the pics I took for the auction this morning (my house is a mess XD ) :
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Hey Shay

Second Intro

Shesta here,

This will be my Second entry... Congratulations me Oo; well now that it's over, on to better things XD.

I started this journal to post on the happenings of my life and my art. I have lots of art to show, but I don't feel like posting much right now. I like oranges, and I like meeting new people <3 so feel free to drop me a line. Also, for those living in GA, I'm always looking to meet new people in person as well.

Right now I'm away from my own computer, so I won't have any new art for you all. BUT, I should have a lot more in about two weeks. For now, you can always raid my DA page maybe?

I'm also looking to join FA when or if it ever comes back online. Taking bets on when it's going to come back on anyone? lol.

Well it's nice to meet any of you, and I hope to get to know you all better in the future. For now though, I'll snooze.

<3 Shesta Natsuyuki <33
  • Current Mood
    bouncy bouncy
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